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The Bloody Interviews

This week I'm interviewing Baytor, from PlanetBlood, but I'm not sure why. Baytor, can you shed some light on it please?

I've seen a lot of loose talk lately about a possible conspiracy between Monolith and PlanetBlood's parent company, the Gamespy Network. And, as normal, people are smart enough to realize something is going on, but they can't quite comprehend just how enormous this something truly is. Monolith and the Gamespy Network (specifically PlanetBlood) are working for nothing less than total global domination.

I see. If that's true, then why would they let you do this interview?

I'm sure they'll try to spin it as some sort of a joke, but I'm deadly serious. And if my future work at PlanetBlood doesn't quite sound like me, then you'll know that they eliminated me and replaced me with a counterfeit Baytor.

A counterfeit Baytor? Well, that's quite an idea. Why not elaborate on this theory of yours. Where did it start out?

The first step in my discovery of the PB/Monolith story is innocent enough. I learned that Caleb, the undead protagonist of Blood, was based in-part on DC Comics' character, The Saint of Killer. For those who don't know of this comic. It is published by DC's Vertigo line, and The Saint is an Old West Gunslinger recruited by Heaven to carry out divine vengence on Earth. He eventually leaves the service of Heaven when he learns that God played a hand in the death of his wife and daughter. The Saint appears frequently in the comic book, Preacher, which is written and created by Garth Ennis, a drunken scribe from the UK. I will admit that none of this appears sinister, but it proves to be the lynchpin in exposing this sordid secret.

Do go on.

The first coincidence that I noticed was the nickname of Blood 2 lead designer Jay Wilson. He calls himself Shade, and on the official Blood Forum he admitted that his nickname is based on a comic book called Shade, the Changing Man. And who do you think publishes Shade, why none other than DC's Vertigo line.

Yeah, but he likes comics, doesn't it stand to reason that he would partially base a computer persona after another comic book character?

That's what I thought until I learned that a certain Karen Burger was also employed at Monolith.

Okay, what the Hell does that have to do with anything?

Well, a lot. You see, the editor of DC's Vertigo line is Karen Berger, and it was her editorship that brought both The Saint and Shade into existence. There are too many coincidences between Monolith and DC Comics for me to ignore this. It is my belief that Karen Burger is either Karen Berger, or is a clone of Karen Berger. And, furthermore, Monolith is just a front for DC Comics and its parent corporation, the Time-Warner Corp, and it is Time-Warner who are the real masterminds behind this conspiracy. The Gamespy Network and Monolith are merely pawns in their quest for global domination.

[Sarcasm] Now this is truly frightening...

There's more. Garth Ennis, the creator of The Saint, is also the creator of a little known character called Baytor. Yes, that's right, the same Baytor that is the genesis of my own Internet name. What's frightening is that I decided on that name a couple of months before I ever heard of the video game Blood. It is my theory that extra-terresterials working under the direction of Time-Warner visited me and planted sublimenal commands for me to use the Baytor name and seek out the original Blood game. I may be wrong, but I do believe that this involved an anal probe.

An anal probe?

How else can I explain that really bizarre dream about David Duchovny?

How indeed.

I know my cohorts here at PlanetBlood are in on it. Both you and Chris are notorius for drinking, and are from the UK, just like the creator of The Saint, Garth Ennis. I can only come to the conclusion that they are part of some evil drunken cabal based in the UK. How else could you explain such a freakish coincidence. Three guys from the UK, three guys who drink a lot. The odds must be enormous.

I wouldn't put any money on that last assumption if I were you. How about Apache and Daryl? I suppose they're involved...

Apache, his name is obviously a thinly veiled reference to Black Army Helicopters (a standard of conspiracy stories), and he picked his name to flaunt this conspiracy in our face.

[Sarcasm] How devious. What about Daryl?

Daryl Surat was a even more devious. His initials are DS. Now, we all know that C can be pronounced as either a S or a K. So replace the S with the sound-alike letter C, and we get DC. Further proof that DC is entangled in the entire Monolith/PlanetBlood affair.

And what is their plan?

I believe that the plot of Blood 2 reveals a lot. Not so very long ago, DC Comics made their headquarters at 666 5th Avenue. Obviously, this betrayed their satanic intentions, so they moved to another building. In the game, and evil corporation (Time-Warner anyone) allies itself with Hellish creatures to rule the world. Monolith decided to hide this scheme in plain sight by using it as the basis for the story in Blood 2. A devious ploy to be sure, but one that I have seen through.

[Sarcasm] Such intelligence!

There is only one thing standing in the way of Time-Warner and total global domination: Microsoft. Some of you might know that Monolith originally was developing Shogo and the LithTech engine for Microsoft. But for some unknown reason, they suddenly changed their mind, and bought the rights back from Microsoft. I believe that Microsoft came too close to uncovering the truth, and because they are too large to be dealt with right now, Monolith severed its ties with them.

I'm surprised that you haven't come across the possibility of ties between the anal probe and Bill Gates...

Oh my God! You could be right! I can only hope that the madness that Monolith and the Time-Warner Corpation are planning to unleash on our world does not come to pass. I'm afraid that I won't be around much longer, as I'm sure that I will be eliminated very shortly, and replaced by someone more compliant.

And someone sane, hopefully. See you all next week.

- mugwum