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The Bloody Interviews

Good evening, and welcome to this week's bloody interview. Tonight's subject is Mr. Gargoyle, one of the more gentille of the guardmentation in the pay of Tchernobog.

Welcome, Mr. Gargoyle, please tell us a little about yourself...

I will rip out thine spleen and feed it unto the almighty, then I shall dismember your children and attach them to the insides of your dog.

I see, whereabouts are you from Mr. Gargoyle?

I will feed thine bones unto the Tchernobogian Hell Hounds and empty thine skill into the rivers that run through the 7th layer of Hell. Your blackened corpse will rot as I remove all nutrients and proteins from your blood supply, before draining your soul unto the fires of Tchernobog...

Uhuh, the 7th layer of hell you say? That's pretty hot stuff [laughs] but seriously though Mr. Gargoyle, jokes aside, where are you from?

I will split you in half and cut up your innards into [interrupted]

...that's all very nice, why won't you answer my questions?

The sounds of wanton destruction will perpetuate into the night sky as I sacrifice you unto the almighty Tchernobog and [interrupted]

...look, could we leave the "killjoy" attitude aside a minute and answer the question. It really is terribly simple. Let's try in slow motion. W h e r e - a r e - y o u - f r o m ?

I will ki [interrupted]

Listen Gargoyle, it's incredibly simple, I need to know where you came from okay? Most interviews get past the first question, lets not try to set any unusual records here okay? I promise I won't interrupt this time.

I shall fling thine charred and blackened eyes onto the fires of hell and kill thine family including all as yet unborn relatives. Any attempt to reverse my unholy proceedure and I will gouge thine testicles from thine body and torture you until you ingest them both.

Oh Christ, I give up. You really are some sort of thicko aren't you?

I will bludgen your friends and enemies alike with little differenciation between creed, race or gender. Your line will be extinguished and your sperm used to breed a new line of demi-Gods to relinquish the desolate earth powers of your kin to nothing, mortal.

And you reckon you're immortal then do you?

I am immortal. I can not die or be destroyed.

Good to see a response to a different line of questioning. How about this. You're starting to irritate me and the readers, how about I shove this triple-barrelled shotgun down your throat and conclude the interview?

I shall extinguish thine [interrupted]

Okay then, buh-bye. [Mugwum does as he suggested he should and helps Mr. Gargoyle to establish the inadequacies in his "immortal" comments] Oh well, onto next week's topic...

Must.....find.....blood.....sustinance. . . . .replenish. . . . .supply. . . . . health. [interrupted by shotgun wound to skull]

Where was I? Ah, of course, next week's column. I hope to talk to a more vocal talent from the Blood continuum. Look forward to it.

- mugwum