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The Bloody Interviews

This week, we have a Gremlin, who will appear in Monolith's forthcoming expansion pack - Blood2: Nightmares. So, Mr. Gremlin, you look quite angry. Why're you so low tonight?

I'm losing hope. Monolith described me as a "small scavenger creature that inhabits the Ancient One's realm". IS THAT THE KIND OF GRATITUDE I GET? The hours I work, Christ I feel deprived of the earnings I deserve!

Deprived? Why on earth do you feel deprived?

Because nobody loves me! *Sniff* I was brought up in the gutter, and I've never seen my sister! Probably because I don't have a sister, but nonetheless!!

Once again, my quality control department has failed me. Last week I interviewed a mafia-esque rat, and this week I'm interviewing an emotionally distraught Gremlin who's upset about the sister he never had. Will someone please remind to FIRE EVERYONE!

That's not my fault!

Of course it's not your fault you rambling idiot. Now, back to the interview. Why are you so upset. You're staring in a great new game addon, and you'll be pulling in the crouds like nothing we've ever seen. How can all the positive publicity you get, possibly get you down?

I feel like no-one really wants to know me - only the game I'm in...

Er. Well. Yeah, you're right, but people still like the look of you. I mean, I personally can't wait to get in there and shoot you with the new-look Shotgun.

  • Looks petrified*

Whoops. Perhaps not the best way to cheer you up there. Okay look - nobody is really interested in who you are, but a lot of people want to know WHY you are. In other words, how come you're appearing in the addon?

  • Looks happy* Because Monolith think I can do the job well.

There, see. Somebody thinks you're good at something!

I guess you're right Mr. Mugwum. I'm over-reacting.

Too bloody right.

Waaaah! You hate me! You blame me for your failure in work! BAAAAHHH!

Oh Jesus Christ.


No no no Mr. Gremlin, I don't hate you, I just pity you, after all - what the hell did you do to end up on this site? Being interviewed by someone who's more renound for killing his interviewees than allowing them to answer back.


"Pass"? What the f**k do you mean by "Pass"!? It's not a bloody exam you stupid c**t!

Er, oh yeah, that's right. I don't know why I'm here.

I don't think that you're really all that distraught afterall. Are you?

Yes I am!

Er no, you're not. Are you?

Okay, I'm not.

So you're actually not a Gremlin after all that nonsense?

No. I'm not.

Let me guess, you work for quality control and after last week's catastrophe, you couldn't risk me interviewing an actual character from the game again could you? So you decided to dress up as a Gremlin and shape the interview by yourself?


And what's your real name?


Nigel? Nigel. Well, that just about settles it. I'm picking my own interviewees from now on. Quality control my ass! You guys couldn't spot quality if it bit your nipples off!

Oh yeah?


Oh. So what do we do now?

Not much I can do. You've completely f'in well screwed up this entire interview, and the punters must go home.


See you all next week kids!

- mugwum